Monday, April 09, 2007

The Final Word on Why I Loathe Tourists

Tourists Have Big Asses

It is said that you need to live in New York City for at least seven years before you can officially call yourself a New Yorker. By those standards, I am officially a New Yorker. However, I propose a new set of criteria: You officially become a New Yorker the minute you realize that you hate tourists. By those standards I have been a New Yorker since the summer of 1998 when I was an intern at Elle magazine.

This past Saturday afternoon I made the poor decision to walk from Herald Square to Times Square. It was cold outside, and a holiday weekend, so I figured there wouldn't be too many people around. How wrong I was. Not only were the sidewalks flooded with people, but they moved at a glacial speed, as if Seventh Avenue is some sort of promenade to see and be seen.

As I was jostled around I started to fantasize what New York City would be like without all the tourists. Sure, the Chamber of Commerse would tell me that New York City needs the revenue, but I think the financial capital of the world would do just fine if a few midwestern families chose to go to Disney instead of The Big Apple. Don't they reason how cold it's been here?

Back to my beefs about tourists.

1. You wear rhinestones in broad daylight.

2. You stare at the lights and buildings in Times Square as if it is the Eighth Wonder of the World. It's not. It's a tourist trap. Maybe you don't have those back in Norman, Oklahoma.

3. It's because of you people that there are at least two Olive Gardens in Manhattan.

4. If you don't understand why New Yorkers are rude to you, imagine how you would feel if hundreds of thousands of strangers descended on your podunk town during the holiday season, causing the price of everything from a hotel room to a sandwich to go up.

5. When you purchase tickets for a show like "Legally Blonde" you are only contributing to the decline of western civilization.

6. You're still wearing trucker hats.

7. You most likely voted for Bush.