An Open Letter to My Herniated Disc

backside
Originally uploaded by angel of the odd.

All this time I've been playing by your rules. I stopped running. I let a doctor stick needles full of cortisone into my spine. I doused my bloodstream full of painkillers in an effort to keep you quiet. I even stopped traipsing around town in the stilettos that I love so much.

But yesterday you took it too far. Due to the ridiculous tingling and numbness you have caused in my foot and calf, I had to go see a doctor. While we talked pain managemnt, the visit ran long and I missed my 6:00 PM tap class. Grrrr.

You know how much I like dance class. It's one of the few joys in my life besides the Style Network, raspberry sorbet and John Mayer albums. And you stopped me from going to it.

However, Herniated Disc, it's time I nipped you in the bud and stopped your totalitarian control. You see, I've got a secret weapon. It's a micro surgery that I can get, which will cut your offending parts in half. It's not the major surgery that would remove you from my life completely and render me useless for a month, but rather a small slip of a scalpel that should muzzle you for some time.

You won't know when it's coming, but I assure you it will. And then vengence will be mine. Muuuuhahahahaha!